F$%^ Star Wars prequels

It's not timely!
It's not unique given the flurry of other Star Wars' retrospectives!
It's not asked for!
and it's not well written!

But my review of the Star Wars Prequels!

When I first saw them, I absolutely hated them with varying degrees of malice.  Phantom Menace was atrocious, Attack of the Clones was perhaps a little bit better but still pretty bad, and Revenge of the Sith was the most watchable but that's a low fence to get over.

Years have passed and now I have mostly forgotten the details.  They didn't wreck my childhood memories, they didn't permanently tarnish the legacy of the first trilogy, and they didn't forever cripple future Star Wars endeavors.

What happened was the prequels were three sub-par movies that a lot of people saw.

So what happened initially?

If you follow this blog regularly, and you don't, because I don't actually post regularly, you'll see in movie reviews that I talk about 'conception' quite a lot.  And 'conception' in this context is the core story telling idea.  It's the ideas that are likely to stick after the script's first draft.

It's possible to have a pretty dumb idea lead to an entertaining movie but everything else needs to be fantastic.

Two examples:  Dodge Ball and Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.

Basing a movie on the grade school game of dodge ball is ridiculous!  At best I was expecting a movie that had a tone of an overly long 'one joke' SNL skit.  It was surprisingly good, because it did not rely on people getting hit in the face with a big rubber ball for most of it's humor.  Vince Vaughn nailed the "Bill Murray Sarcastic Straight Man" and Ben Stiller was a hilarious heel.

In the late 90s, who would think a parody on the 60s spy genre would work as a movie?  But AP:IMoM hit the perfect irreverent tone   Mike Myers was great as both Austin and Dr. Evil and the supporting cast (down to Tom Arnold even) really sold the premise.

Chronicling Anakin Skywalker's fall and the rise of Darth Vader wasn't the dumbest idea ever, but Vader is not nearly the most interesting character in the prequels.  It's Chancellor Palpatine.

Star Wars at it's best borrows from the classics and history.  Imagine Star Wars Clone Wars as a retelling of the rise of Napoleon.  Or Stalin if you need to make the villain less ambiguous :).  This is just like my opinion man, but that sounds like a much better movie to me.

Furthermore, in an attempt to prop up the worse idea for the trilogy, ST:PM turned Vader into Space Jesus in a ham fisted manor with 'the prophecy to bring balance to the force' and the 'midi-chlorian pregnancy'; these utterly failed to make this story the least bit compelling.

The Scripts

I won't spend too much time parsing and nit-picking the scripts.  Red Letter Media and a host of other bloggers have more than adequately discussed the faults of the script.

My take on the scripts is that they all read as if every single brainstormed idea for a 'cool shot' made it into the final draft.  So excess time was spent on justifying why that cool shot was necessary instead of actual character development.

The Acting

It's almost impossible to separate the acting from the writing, but I think it's safe to say that Ewan MacGregor, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson and Natalie Portman didn't give their best performances.

And finally, the CGI

sigh.

Yeah I hated the CGI.  Or more accurately the prevalence of CGI everything.

Someone I know from the interwebs once made a pretty good point.  Phantom Menace was a CGI pioneer.  It was an early example on what was possible.  Later movies really learned what can and can't be done with CGI; and the combination of CGI and practical effects can make a truly breathtaking movie.

So maybe, maybe, you can forgive SW:PM for being first through the wall but that in no way lets AotC or RotS off the hook for bland CGI backgrounds and cartoonish CGI characters.

So what does it all mean?

Sure seems that the Star Wars machine is steam-rolling on.  The Force Awakens opens this week and folks are already camping out in line.  The merchandising blitz has also reached fever pitch.

For me, Star Wars is no longer a must see.  SW:TFA needs to get decent reviews (~80% on Rotten Tomatoes) for me to even bother.  And there is no way I'm seeing it right away.   A couple weeks after the hysteria dies down is completely adequate.